The Secret to a Thriving Marriage: Love & Respect

Paul concludes this monumental passage on marriage after he unfolds the grand theology of marriage and traces its design back to Genesis. He leaves this topic, with one final summary and command:

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

This is the practical conclusion, the application of all that has been said. After drawing our attention to sacrificial love, sanctification, one-flesh unity, and the mystery of the gospel, Paul brings it back to the day-to-day reality of marriage, summarizing it all with the simplicity of love and respect. A husband must love. A wife must respect. These two elements are the foundation of a thriving marriage. They are not cultural customs or suggested marital practices. They are divinely ordained necessities.

The Husband’s Call to Love
“Let each one of you love his wife as himself.”

Paul has already commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25), to love as their own bodies (Eph. 5:28), and now he repeats it again, as if to emphasize one final time: This is the center of your leadership: Love your wife.

The kind of love he commands is not based on feelings, nor is it passive or indifferent. It is active, sacrificial, pursuing, and steadfast. It is the same kind of love Christ has for the church, a love that initiates, that nurtures, that gives, that sanctifies, that endures through all seasons. A husband must not merely provide for his wife’s physical needs, he must cherish her, care for her, and constantly seek her good. It means that he does not merely tolerate her presence, but delights in her as his own flesh. It means he does not withdraw affection when he is frustrated, nor does he use love as a tool for manipulation. Rather, he pours himself out, consistently and faithfully, leading her not with dominance, but with tenderness, strength, and self-denial.

To love his wife as himself, means that he sees no separation between his well-being and hers. He does not allow bitterness to take root, nor does he grow indifferent to her emotional, spiritual, or physical needs. He loves her as an extension of his own life, because in marriage, they are one flesh.

The Wife’s Call to Respect
“And let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Just as a husband is commanded to love, the wife is commanded to respect. Paul does not say, “Let the wife love her husband,” though certainly love is involved. Instead, he uses the word respect, because this is the unique and irreplaceable need of a man’s soul. To respect a husband does not mean unquestioning obedience, nor does it mean that a wife has no voice in the marriage. Rather, it means that she honors the leadership God has given him, that she builds him up rather than tears him down, that she speaks to him and about him with reverence rather than contempt.

Respect is not conditional. Just as a husband’s love should not be based on his wife’s perfection, a wife’s respect should not be based on her husband’s performance. It is an act of faithfulness to God, an acknowledgment that the husband has been entrusted with leadership in the marriage, and that she is called to affirm, encourage, and strengthen him in that role.

This does not mean turning a blind eye to sin or failing to speak truth. A wife must courageously and wisely encourage her husband’s growth in holiness. But she must do so in a way that honors him, in a way that reinforces his role rather than undermines it. A wife’s words carry incredible power. She can build her husband up or tear him down. She can nurture his confidence in his calling or make him feel small and incapable. She can create an atmosphere of trust and honor or an atmosphere of criticism and disdain. This is why Paul commands respect, because it is essential for a husband to thrive in his role. When a wife respects her husband, she is not only obeying God’s design, she is also helping her husband become the man God has called him to be.

The Cycle of Love and Respect

In Ephesians 5:33, the Apostle Paul captures a vital truth about the nature of men and women and the divine design for marriage: “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” This single verse holds the key to understanding how both spouses thrive within the covenant of marriage.

A wife flourishes when she is deeply and sacrificially loved. She is created to be cherished, nurtured, and protected, reflecting the gentle and faithful care Christ shows to His bride, the Church. When a husband loves his wife in this way, selflessly, consistently, and with spiritual leadership, she is strengthened in her calling to submit with joy, trust with confidence, and live securely under the covering of covenantal love.

In the same way, a husband flourishes when he is genuinely respected. He is designed to lead, provide, and protect, and when his wife offers him honor, admiration, and trust, he is encouraged and emboldened. Her respect affirms his identity and fuels his desire to live up to the weighty responsibility God has placed upon him.

This reciprocal dynamic, where love motivates respect and respect fuels love, is the foundation of a healthy, God-honoring marriage. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, in his well-known book Love and Respect, calls attention to what happens when this design is neglected. He describes what many couples experience as “the crazy cycle”, a destructive pattern in which a husband’s lack of love provokes a wife’s lack of respect, and her lack of respect provokes his withdrawal of love. Around and around it goes, spiraling further into conflict, resentment, and emotional distance.

This cycle is not merely psychological; it is theological. It reveals what happens when we stray from the divine order God has established. Rather than being a sanctuary of grace, the home becomes a battleground of unmet needs and wounded pride.

But Ephesians 5:33 offers more than a diagnosis, it offers the cure. It calls each spouse to obedience not because the other has earned it, but because Christ commands it. The husband is to love as Christ loves the Church, even when his wife is difficult to respect. The wife is to respect as unto the Lord, even when her husband struggles to love well. This Christ-centered obedience breaks the “crazy cycle” and initiates a redemptive cycle instead: love begets respect, and respect begets love.

God’s blueprint for marriage is not built on performance but on covenant. When both husband and wife seek to obey Christ first, their marriage is not only protected from destruction but begins to flourish with joy, security, and intimacy, becoming a living parable of the gospel for all to see.

Marriage as a Display of the Gospel
At the heart of all of this is Christ and His bride.

The church submits to Christ, not because she is forced to, but because she is loved so perfectly that submission becomes a joyful response. She is secured by His sacrifice, strengthened by His love, nourished by His care. She trusts Him because He has given everything for her, and she honors Him because He is worthy. Likewise, Christ loves the church, not because she is always lovable, but because His love is covenantal, unchanging, and rooted in His own nature. He does not withhold love when the church fails. He does not abandon her when she stumbles. His love is constant, purifying, and sanctifying, bringing her ever closer to the day when she will stand before Him, holy and without blemish.

This is the ultimate reality behind marriage. It is not about human fulfillment, it is about displaying Christ’s love for the church to a watching world. It is about preaching the gospel with our lives, living out a parable of grace, sacrifice, and covenantal faithfulness.

So let every husband love his wife as Christ loved the church.
Let every wife respect her husband as the church respects Christ.
And in doing so, let our marriages declare the mystery of the gospel, showing the world the beauty of the greatest love story ever told.

“It is a mercy to have a faithful friend, that loveth you entirely, and is as true to you as yourself, to whom you may open your mind and communicate your affairs, and who will strengthen you in your prayers and in your walk with God. Such a companion is an help indeed, to your soul and body.”
— Richard Baxter, The Christian Directory