A Love Beyond Comparison

 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” – Ephesians 5:25

Ephesians 5:25 speaks directly to the heart of a husband’s role within marriage, setting a standard that can only be measured against the greatest love of all: the love Christ has for His church. When Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” he is not merely giving marital advice, he is lifting the veil to reveal the divine model of true love. It is a love that surpasses romantic gestures, deep friendship, or familial bonds. It is agape, the selfless, sacrificial, never-failing love that reflects the heart of God.

To understand the weight of this command, we must first dwell on Christ’s love for His bride, the church. It is a love unparalleled, a love that led Him to lay down His life so that we might be redeemed and restored. As Thomas Watson once said, “Christ’s love is pure; it is not mixed with any self-seeking ends. He does not love us because we are good, but to make us good.” The very essence of Christ’s love transforms, sanctifies, and brings beauty where there was once brokenness.

Ephesians 5:25-33 is not a casual set of instructions but an invitation to witness love in its truest, most profound form. Christ’s love is sacrificial and sanctifying. It is selective in that He chose His bride before the foundations of the world (Eph. 1:4); sacrificial, as He gave Himself up for her on the cross; and sanctifying, as He continually works to present her holy and blameless. This, then, is the love that husbands are called to emulate.

Four Expressions of Love

The Greek language offers four words for love, each capturing different dimensions of affection and commitment. Together, they create a complete picture of the love a husband should have for his wife. C.S. Lewis’s The Four Loves provides an exploration of these loves, allowing us to see their importance not just individually, but in how they support and complement one another within a marriage.

1. Eros (ἔρως): The Passionate, Romantic Love

Eros is the love most commonly associated with romance and passion. It is the spark that ignites attraction and physical desire, bringing excitement and longing into a relationship. Though not explicitly mentioned in the New Testament, understanding eros is crucial for a complete view of marital love. When sanctified by agape, eros is a beautiful and noble expression of love that seeks to delight in the beloved. However, by itself, it is incomplete and can become self-serving or unstable.

C.S. Lewis describes the paradox of eros in The Four Loves: “Eros wants the beloved. That is, it craves the person, not just the pleasure the person provides.” Lewis underscores that true eros goes beyond mere physical attraction; it seeks the well-being and presence of the beloved. Yet, he warns, “Eros, honored without reservation and obeyed unconditionally, becomes a demon.” This caution reminds us that eros, if idolized or left unchecked, can demand more than it should. It needs agape to guide and ground it in selfless commitment.

2. Philia (φιλία): The Love of Friendship

Philia is the love of deep friendship and companionship. It’s the love that binds people who share common interests, values, and experiences. In the context of marriage, philia nurtures the companionship that allows spouses to face life’s challenges together, side by side. Unlike the possessive and often intense nature of eros, philia is more stable and enduring, rooted in mutual respect and shared purpose.

Lewis celebrates the uniqueness of philia in The Four Loves: “Friendship arises out of mere companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure.” He beautifully illustrates how philia transforms acquaintances into friends who can share life’s journey and grow together. This kind of love fosters mutual encouragement and a sense of partnership, making it essential for a strong, resilient marriage. “True friends don’t spend time gazing into each other’s eyes,” Lewis writes. “They may show great tenderness towards each other, but they face in the same direction, toward common projects, goals, above all, toward a common Lord.”

3. Storge (στοργή): The Love of Affection

Storge represents natural, familial love, the affection that develops over time and is rooted in familiarity and shared experiences. It is the quiet, constant love that binds families and close relationships, creating a sense of belonging and comfort. In marriage, storge is the warmth that grows as spouses build a life together, facing seasons of joy and trial with a shared history that deepens their bond. It has a shared fellowship in history and shared experiences, that binds people together over time. 

Lewis captures the essence of storge in The Four Loves when he writes, “Storge, the affection between family members, is a natural and humble love. It is the most instinctive and least discriminating of loves; it is comfortable and relies on familiarity.” This love may not be as dramatic as eros or as chosen as philia, but it provides stability and nurtures the everyday moments that sustain a marriage. Lewis further reflects, “The image we have of Storge is not a powerful, blazing fire, but more like a comfortable old coat or the purr of a cat. It is something that you barely notice when it’s there, but that you miss profoundly when it’s gone.” In marriage, storge undergirds the partnership, offering a quiet loyalty that is essential for weathering life’s storms.

4. Agape (ἀγάπη): The Selfless, Unconditional Love

Agape is the highest and most selfless form of love, often described as the love that mirrors God’s nature. It is unconditional, sacrificial, and rooted in the will rather than fleeting emotion. Agape seeks the highest good of the beloved, even at great personal cost, embodying the purest form of commitment and devotion. This is the love that Paul commands husbands to have for their wives in Ephesians 5:25, a love that reflects Christ’s sacrificial love for the church.

Lewis exalts agape as the most divine of the loves in The Four Loves: “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken… But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” Agape calls for the vulnerability of self-giving, a love that risks everything without expecting anything in return. It is this love that transforms a marriage from a mere contract to a sacred covenant.

The Interweaving of Loves

A strong, Christ-centered marriage requires all four types of love. Eros brings passion and romance, philia builds friendship and companionship, storge nurtures the natural affection that grows over time, and agape sustains it all with selfless commitment. Each type of love, while distinct, finds its fulfillment and balance when undergirded by agape.

As Lewis reminds us, “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” This vulnerability is at the heart of a husband’s call to love his wife as Christ loves the church. It is not an easy calling, but it is a transformative one that mirrors the divine, drawing both husband and wife closer to each other and to God. When a husband commits to embodying this love, he reflects the relentless, redeeming love of Christ, a love that never fails and never gives up.

Sacrificial and Sanctifying Love

Christ’s love for the church is sacrificial, as seen in His willingness to give His life for her redemption. A husband’s love should echo this selfless act, placing his wife’s needs and growth above his own desires. Spurgeon once said, “Love and self-denial for the object loved go hand-in-hand.” The call to love sacrificially means laying down selfish ambition and striving to protect, nurture, and cherish.

This love is also sanctifying. Ephesians 5:26-27 tells us that Christ’s purpose in loving His bride was “to sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” A husband’s love should lead his wife toward holiness, encouraging her walk with God and cultivating an atmosphere where both can grow spiritually. This is a love that prays, intercedes, and fosters spiritual growth, a love that seeks the ultimate good: becoming more like Christ.

The Spiritual Bond of Marriage

Marriage is not just a union of bodies and minds but a profound spiritual covenant. In Ephesians 5:32, Paul reveals that marriage is a “mystery” that reflects Christ’s relationship with the church. This connection is sacred and points beyond itself to the greater reality of God’s love. A husband who loves his wife as Christ loves the church participates in a divine narrative that speaks of God’s redeeming and covenantal love.

C.S. Lewis aptly put it: “The husband… whose marriage is most like a crucifixion… never despairs.” While no husband can perfectly mirror Christ’s love, he is called to strive for it with sincerity and faithfulness, depending on God’s grace to guide him. The Christian life is marked by a pursuit of Christ-likeness, and in marriage, this pursuit is not solitary but shared.

A husband who commits to loving with agape reflects Christ’s own heart. This love is patient, kind, and keeps no record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:4-7). It forgives readily, serves humbly, and seeks to build up rather than tear down. It is steadfast even in difficulty, mirroring the covenantal love of Christ who, as R.C. Sproul said, “marries and changes the evil hag” into His spotless bride and not the beautiful princess as the story goes.

Though human love is inherently imperfect, the call to agape is not about flawless execution but relentless pursuit. The bar is set high, not to crush but to inspire growth and reliance on the Holy Spirit. Gary Thomas once wrote, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” This question shifts the perspective from self-centered desires to God-centered devotion, reminding us that marriage is a tool in the hands of the Creator to mold His people into the image of Christ.

The call for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church is nothing less than a call to reflect divine love in the most intimate of human relationships. It is selective, choosing to love not based on merit but because it is rooted in commitment. It is sacrificial, willing to give everything for the beloved’s good. It is sanctifying, seeking to lead toward holiness. And it is spiritual, pointing to the greater love story of Christ and His church.

This love is not something that can be conjured by human will alone; it is fueled by abiding in Christ and drawing from His boundless love. When husbands love in this way, they not only honor their wives but bear witness to the world of the relentless, redeeming, and covenantal love of Jesus Christ. And in that reflection, both husband and wife are drawn nearer to God, finding that the love they share is but a shadow of the divine love that holds them fast.